A decade ago, I asked this question: "[H]ow can parents--think coaches, leaders--push just enough to inspire, but not enough to inflict pain? I'm not being rhetorical here."

[It was published as a public post; I typically have between 1,000-2,000 friends; I can't control Facebook's rules so I have no idea how many people actually saw this post.]

The responses are below. What was surprising to me is that no one said their parents rocked at this. And frankly, parents just get the first 18 years; after this, leaders are the people who should be in this space to inspire for the next 4-5 decades of a person's career.

9/28/2014

Harvard, Schmarvard: Why Getting Your Kids Into College Should Be the Least of Your Concerns

9/30/2014, my post on Facebook:

Ed Barrientos (Brazen) posted this Harvard article as "Wise insights." Agreed.

But my question is...how can parents push just enough to inspire, but not enough to inflict pain? I'm not being rhetorical here. I'd love your insight...what have you done (or are you doing) to get the balance right? And I'd love to hear from people whose parents rocked at this.

The responses, thoughtful advice:

•  JaNette - I don't do their homework for them and I rarely check it over. I rarely check grades either. ..hence the phone call I received yesterday from a math teacher. She probably thinks I don't care based on her response to my admission of not checking power school. They need to learn to do their best not my best. I tend to focus more on the behavior they show. Of course I want them to get good grades and if someone is struggling I offer support (like asking the child about what is going on and helping them come up with a solution). I don't email teachers to set up extra help. ..they can ask for themselves. I also let them fail. Shocker. But things I have failed at in life and had to "re-do" I remember because I learned from that. I'm not talking abandoning my kids education but more of parenting from afar. I am trying my best to NOT raise children who look at the world with the "sense of entitlement" attitude that I have seen so much from in the young adults in our general public. As far as having a college education. ..I do encourage it. Especially from the point of what James does for a living. He works hard physically. Every. Day. For. Sometimes. 12. Hours. A. Day. He comes home with giant bruises and tired feet. But he loves what he does. I on the other hand only get a paycheck if I produce a product. I don't get a paycheck for showing up to my sewing machine ;) we hope our kids do something they love with their life. But ultimately it's their choice and their responsibility to put in the work for what they want.
• Stephanie - R. is a senior in college. After his summer's internship I realized these companies want well-rounded kids. They want them to be intelligent but have common sense, be able to articulate, and look people in the eye when you talk to them. We have encouraged book knowledge but more importantly we stressed faith, family and self-confidence. I think it paid off since he already has a job lined up for September 2015. :)
• Susan - I think encouraging a kid and talking to them about the future they want is the way to go. They need to have their own dreams and visions not have their parent's dreams thrust on them. In the end does it really matter if a child has a 4.3 when they graduate from high school? If they have a dream school maybe but if that's their dream let them work hard to get there. If they don't work hard enough on their own it clearly wasn't that important to them. I think the key Karen is to not push. I barely helped my kids with homework after about the 4th grade. Not because I wouldn't but because they didn't need me to. They did their homework on time and knew when they needed to study for tests. Kids need to learn how to be independent and self motivated. They will never learn that with the way some helicopter parents are. My son has a friend from college who sent his parents all of his syllabi (sp??) from every class so they could remind him when a paper was due or when he had a test. Ridiculous! He's on officer in the military now - how will he survive??

8/20/2024

A decade has gone by.

✔️We've raised our kids--they're all adults now. I think it's about time to ask them where we could have improved. 

❓Leaders of families, leaders of organizations--how do you push enough to inspire, but not enough to inflict pain?

I am playing around with this new focus, SPHERICAL™️, as a blueprint to foster well-rounded employees, children, students and volunteers. The idea is that coaching them to become SPHERICAL™️ should land on the side of inspiring and reduce the tendency to inflict pain.

When someone describes their own soft skills, this could be a vision multiple people work toward. It is intended to be a stable model--ie, artificial intelligence cannot replace these skills.